This journal is a journey through my thoughts, my pain, my son's struggles and what has to be his incredible pain, our family's triumphs and tragedies.  It's an incredibly personal accounting that begins approximately 6 months after first seeking help with a psychologist for my then 6 year old son.  I want to preface this with a couple things.  SON was born the most easy natured little being on earth.  Looking back, he had pretty much every marker you can find that's been even distantly connected with the possibility of being a precursor to mental illness.  You can look to the website for further information on these precursors.  I had a hard pregnancy with severe morning sickness.  I vomited every day several times a day until the beginning of my 8th month.  I worried incessantly about how this baby could possibly be getting his nutrients and my doctor continually said to me "The baby will be fine - he will get what he needs."  Prenatal malnutrition is now thought to be a possible a contributing factor for neurological disorders.  Sometime during my second trimester, I had a severe case of the flu that lasted a couple of days.  This is another of the things linked to possible neurological disorders. 
 
Sometime in my seventh month at a regular checkup, the doctor was alarmed to find that I was having active contractions - timed about one every minute to minute and a half.  I didn't feel them and had no idea I was having them.  I was put on immediate bed rest with a contraction monitor and medication to stop the contractions.  The medication was called Tributilin.  When it was safe to deliver, they stopped the bedrest & Tributilin and expected imminent delivery.  While I immediately began having contractions again, I ended up delivering my son a day after my due date.  When my water broke, there was merconium in the amniotic fluid.  This is a sign of fetal stress - to be expected since I'd been contracting for practically three months prior to delivery.  This, too, is another marker to possible future neurological disorder - fetal stress.  I had a very hard time delivering him (not the actual labor - but in the end couldn't seem to push him out).  He was delivered with forceps.  Yet another neurological disorder marker. 
My son didn't cry upon his entrance to the world.  He was born blue and they had to resuscitate him.  I wasn't able to hold my newborn as they rushed him to neonatal for observation and testing.  He was fully developed to our knowledge and a beautiful, robust 7.6 pound baby boy.  He had a temperature for which they never found a real cause - other than "unknown viral infection"  I mentioned above that the mother having the flu in the second trimester can be harmful to the baby's brain development.  Another thing linked is in-utero viral infection.  SON obviously fit this one as well as he was born with a fever.  When we took our baby home, he appeared to be healthy - his dramatic entrance into the world notwithstanding.  However, we soon discovered he had digestive problems.  He refused the breast and could not keep anything down.  It was very scary and we tried formula after formula after formula, trips to the doctor - and worries about how is this little baby getting the nutrients he needs?  Yet another possible predisposing or contributing factor - post utero malnutrition.  It was (finally) determined that my son had an under developed stomach and needed formula in which the proteins had been partially "digested" (broken down) to ease his stomach's role in digesting the food.  My second to last item on the predisposing or contributing factors (underdeveloped stomach).  The last but most important contributing factor that led us down this road of mental illness is the strongest one.  Genetics.  My maternal side of the family is riddled with mental illness to differing degrees including an uncle of mine with paranoid schizophrenia. 
 
Genetics aside, the problems with my son seemed to cease once we got him on the right road with the special formula.  He was a gentle, quiet, sweet and incredibly loving little angel.  He slept easily and well, was never hardly ever cranky.  He was especially affectionate and often my mom commented that I didn't even know what it was really like to parent - because he was just so agreeable and sweet and easy to care for. 
My son's developmental history isn't especially remarkable.  He did practically everything late - but not so especially late as to be alarming.  He was well within the "normal" range of development and he clearly was very intelligent.  I just felt he was very non-aggressive and didn't think much of his slow-to achieve milestones.  He was a very smart, very quiet, very clingy and very shy little person.  He was the kid who longingly sat on the sidelines and watched as the other children played and I my heart would cry - go play with them!!  But he clearly was painfully shy.  However, once he felt at home in a social situation, he was completely fine - so again, it wasn't so dramatic as to worry me.  He was very needy when it came to getting personal attention
 
At a certain point the journal is comprised of entries I had posted on our Support Group bulletin board, so the entries will appear more like a conversation with another person. 
 
4/01/98
Letter to SON's 2nd psychologist.  First one was about 6 mos. prior to this.  We only saw her twice.  Bio dad thought she was worthless. 
 
Dear ***:
 
We have an appointment with you this Saturday for SON.  He has recently been diagnosed ADHD by you, and is currently taking 15 mg. of Ritalin two times a day.  We've had great success with the medication at school and at day care - no question there; but his father and step mother complain constantly about his behavior at their home.  SON in the last couple months has grown extremely sullen, negative and depressed.  I know you spoke of depression as fall-out from the ADHD from injured self-esteem, etc., but I really think this goes way beyond that.  I'm afraid my son is very, very depressed.  His step dad, Stepdad, and I feel we've reached a point where we're loosing him and don't know how to reach him, so we decided it was time to seek help.

(Continued on page 41)