THIS IS ONE MOTHER'S CHRONICAL OF WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH, WAS FEELING AND WAHT HER DAUGHTER EXPERIENCED DURING A HOSPITALIZATION.  THIS MOTHER SHARES HER PAINFUL EXPERIENCE IN HOPES THAT READING IT WILL HELP & COMFORT OTHERS MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS AND BE LESS AFRAID.  THIS IS A SUCCESS STORY.  Click here for more personal stories & information


My daughter had her pdoc appt. and therapist appt. yesterday and again, we ended up at crisis. She just can't get the suicidal thoughts out of her head for the past 3 weeks now. Getting stronger.  At crisis from 3pm -12a.m. not a frigging bed from here to xxx...Have no idea where in the state that is....

Found a place in YYY....close to an hour away...from the time she got off the phone came to us with this option..we said ok....bed was taken. Incredible....one bed at Children's Hosp. Boston..."the best of the best" she said.  I know this myself....they were doing an intake at that time...if person was not admitted, we would get the bed...had blood work done and urine done for Children's....they had to admit their intake.  Was told that since the bombing there has been such a crunch because depressed kids got worse.

How Jane did?....ready to go...scared....knows she is afraid of the strong feelings....she does not want to commit suicide....she does not want to die....cannot get rid of the thoughts....the longer it took the more she escalated....had to put two guards outside her room...at one point they were going to strap her down...I was able to calm her down each time....finally they gave her atavanat?? sp..never heard of it. ....gave her another dose an hour later....it was ready to knock her out....sent her home with me (after my husband and I pleaded with them to do so.) They were going to leave her in the Crisis room with a cot for the night....

Where are we today? She can go to the lodge she was in for the day program tomorrow at 11. They will evaluate her and keep her inpatient or will have to set her up with outpatient again. If she goes in (I will push for this) she still will finish with the outpatient 9-3 until she is stable. She is packing her bag.  They sent me home with a script for the sedative for three days. I have to keep her busy until she gets there tomorrow. We were out all morning. She wanted to come home to rest and will go out again when her friend comes home from school.   Where I am today?  I cannot wait until tomorrow. She doesn't want anybody but me with her. Her therapist offered to come out to the house to see her but she does not want her. She does not want to leave my side. She thinks something bad will happen to me. I really really wanted Children's Hospital. The woman last night from Crisis is the only one I felt through this whole ordeal (past two years) actually listened to me. I know this kid. I have to go with all my ammunition (education) tomorrow. They will not just sedate her this time. THEY will be the ones to listen this time. I am not taking their uneducated horseshit anymore. They are not going to tell me that neurontin is a great drug. It just isn't working for her. They cannot just keep grouping kids. They cannot up the dose because they don't know what else to do. Well they can read about this the same way I do. I will be printing off the computer all night long if I have to.

Where is her Dad....In Depression Limbo....there by our side. About 10 last night the woman from Crisis told him She was tired at this point. When she was talking to him she was rubbing her face. Frustration written all over it about not being able to help her. " you need to get on board this time. Your wife is very knowledgeable about this let her help you or follow her lead. One of the other. No more denial. Your daughter is very ill. If your wife was not here and it was just you, I would not have much to go by. " I know he needed this but I felt sorry for him. Very sorry.

My son is ok...he just wants her to be safe.  My mother is at her house. Both sisters are taking turns taking time off from work. I cannot worry about all of them now.  I feel like I am going to crash.... You will be proud of me. We had to take her home yesterday from pdoc office because Crisis could not get there until 3. I DID MY HAIR. I PUT ON JEWELRY. I LOOKED NICE. I was not going to go to Crisis looking as bad as I felt. Knowing I was put together made a difference. It might have been the baking soda I put in my hair but it looked fuller. At one point my daughter said I looked nice. I thought you guys would get a kick out of this. Now I am going to get a new "Crisis Outfit" to keep in the closet.  I will post tomorrow when we get home. I am ok. and I will make sure she is.

NEXT DAY
Another 12 hour ordeal. Showed up for the appointment to be told they could not release the person that would free up a bed. She could stay for the day and see if something else changed by the end of the day. If not they would call around for a bed......NO WAY I put her in the car and took her to Children's Hospital Emergency....NO BED AGAIN. I told them I will not leave until something is done. I had a child ready and willing to go in and she is giving up. Jane was screaming when she overheard the psychiatrist tell us they did not have a bed. The pediatrician came in to talk to me and I told her I was starting to get distressed over this and they need to help us. They all tried to calm Jane down but refused to give her the atrivan. They do not give this medicine to adolescents it could make depression worse. She had to have the guards again. The pediatrician assured me that we would get a bed somewhere that Children's had a lot of clout. Not good enough I said. I want the best.  Jane fell asleep for 3 hoursand we had meeting after meeting with different people. I refused to go to any hospital I was not familiar with. The psychiatrist told me the three top hospitals in the State were Children's, Cambridge Hospital and McLeans and none of them had beds. They are all associated with Harvard and they all work as one. Well then get me one of those. I told them we have been doing this since she was 12 years old and now I have a 16 year old daughter ready to end her life because she can not get the help she needs. Because she cannot stand the pain any longer. This is not right. At six o'clock an ambulance took her to Cambridge Hospital. She has to be in a room alone. Very bare room with just a cot. I was told by one of the nurses that it is used for the staff. When a room opens up she will move in with the adolescents. This room is a little further down the hall from the rest of them. Jane had a hard time and again at Cambridge Hospital they threatened her with restraints. After another medical exam and another psychatrist we were told to say goodbye and we will get a call in the am after a different team fully evaluates her.

Saying goodbye was so so hard. I called at 10:30 when we got home and her counselor said she was reading. Lights out are at 10 but they were going to let her read for awhile. He said she was calmed down. Cried for awhile when we left. I reminded him about her anxiety about worrying about us and to give her the code that everyone here is safe and that we love her. He said he would go right in